


You're a star, you're a find

by evercloseyoureyes



Category: Homestuck
Genre: F/F, Implied/Referenced Sexual Harassment, Lesbian Jade Harley, Trans Female Character, butch feels babyie, butch lesbian jane crocker, he/him roxy lalonde, its not explicit but just to be safe, they/them calliope, they/them roxy lalonde
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-18
Updated: 2020-01-18
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:29:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,563
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22300348
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/evercloseyoureyes/pseuds/evercloseyoureyes
Summary: "Keep it to yourself tonightAnd try to look aliveYou're a star, you're a findYou're a pretty little lieSo get your head on rightImagine that it's likeWhen you were youngerThe hunger"-- The Hunger, San Fermin
Relationships: Calliope/Jane Crocker/Roxy Lalonde, Jane Crocker/Roxy Lalonde
Comments: 6
Kudos: 13





	You're a star, you're a find

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Jane Nation](https://archiveofourown.org/gifts?recipient=Jane+Nation).



You’re about eight and at the school playground. You’re a detective like the kind in the black and white movies you watch with your dad. This is, in your opinion, the ideal game to play at all times because the world is full of mysteries and you’re ready to unlock all of them. Some girls see you run around and call you over.  
“You’re a tomboy, huh?” One of them asks.  
“What?” You say, not knowing what that is. Tomboy like a tomcat maybe? You think of Gcat coming and going as he pleases, and really hope that’s not the intended meaning.

“You don’t know?” One of the girls asks, and you shake your head.  
“It’s when a girl dresses like a boy” she explains. “And acts like one too!”  
You blink, confused. You thought everyone did that? Why should there be a word for something so mundane?  
“Yeah, I guess so” you finally say in response, and hop back off to finish your game (the case of the missing playground frisbee isn’t going to solve itself).

Later in class, you block out the teacher, focusing instead on the other girls in your grade. They wear pretty clothes in pretty colors, generally undisturbed from recess. Your clothes, however, have a large mud stain on them from when you crawled on your belly in the grass. Their hair is long and usually braided or pulled into a ponytail. In comparison, your hair is short, the aftermath of your dad coming home and finding you cutting it with safety scissors. You liked the feeling of it and didn’t realize it makes you stand out.

You think about this while riding the car home and ask your dad if he can buy you a few more skirts and hair ribbons.

\---

You’re sixteen and playing a game that ended the world and ruined your life. The land made for you is empty and barren, the people around you are traumatized teenagers with no understanding of emotional or physical boundaries. You are included in that category but don’t like to think of yourself that way.  
Your phone rings and you turn it off without even looking at the screen, already knowing who it is. You let out a long groan and your best friend puts an arm on your shoulder comfortingly. You absently wish you could just forget these boys and date Roxy instead.

Is it homophobic to wish you could be gay? Probably. You try not to think about that, too.

\---

You don’t look at yourself in the mirror.

\---

Some of the only times your dad lets you leave the house is when there’s corporate events: parties that clients really wish to see the heiress at, charity galas, and the like. They’re incredibly rare, you only can go when the UTMOST SECURITY can be established AT ALL TIMES. You enjoy getting out of the house, and chatting up corporate big wigs can be fun.

One such big wig has been chatting you up for a while now. She’s been a friend and supporter of the company for many years and it would be awfully rude to seem bored while she’s talking. But her conversation is, however….. boring.

The topic of you comes up and you put on your best PROFESSIONAL SMILE. As heiress to the corporation, it is invaluable that you have a bright smile and cheery eyes at all times, being annoyed? Forget it, that’s for normal people. She makes an off-handed comment about your hair and you aren’t sure if you’re supposed to take it as a compliment or not. Your dad explains that this cropped hair is all the rage with young people these days, and again you smile.

Then the woman looks down at your outfit. You’re wearing a loose-fitting formal top and a pencil skirt. You pushed off shaving your legs until this morning because even thinking about the action of shaving filled you with a deep-set panic you do not have the vocabulary to describe. Even now wearing this skirt, you feel a little hollow. Like a person pretending to be a person. You’re not sure what is wrong with your clothing choice and it’s starting to irritate you, on top of it your dad has turned to talk to someone else and took with him your self-control. A retort is halfway leaving your mouth when the woman sweeps down and grabs at your waist.

“Oh, so there is a young woman under there!” She exclaims as you jump back. “I couldn’t tell what with how you’re always looking. Youth is wasted on the young.”

Your heart is beating and you miraculously manage to excuse yourself politely enough to rush to the bathroom and sit by yourself.

You are unable to touch your own waist after that for the next seven years.

\---

The kitchen timer beeps in quick, annoying chirps and you rush to the oven door, pulling out the bread that was just previously being baked. Roxy sits on the counter by the stove swinging... their legs on the cabinet below. You’re still trying to get used to the change in pronouns, but are trying your best. Since they’re sitting where you would usually place your pan down, you opt for some space on the nearby island.

ROXY: yo janey  
  
ROXY: what if i told u  
  
ROXY: hypothetically speakin ofc, this shit is so theoretical scrodinger and all his fuckin meow cats are all just high fiving  
  
ROXY: they say oh damn! is that the most hypothetical shit ive ever seen! and im like yus it is sir and then hed give me a high five, on account of all my awesome contributions 2 quantum physics or w/e  
  
JANE: I think your point got a little lost there!  
  
ROXY: oh ya ur rite  
  
ROXY: ne ways  
  
ROXY: what if i told u  
  
ROXY: again, im being hypothetical  
  
ROXY: that i was hypothetically gay

You pause, hands resting on the butter knife you were just about to pick up. It's hard to predict what's going to come out of Roxy’s mouth sometimes, especially with the influence of a certain Dave Strider.

JANE: Gosh, Roxy! I don’t want to say anything offensive but, isn’t this a little…  
  
JANE: Random?  
  
JANE: I mean, what about Dirk and Jake? Weren’t you practically asking Dirk to marry you everyday for years?

ROXY: yeah i know :(  
  
ROXY: im trying not to think abt tht

JANE: So how could you be gay then? Call me old fashioned but I don’t think one can be a homosexual can harbor feelings for the opposite gender!  
JANE: Or whatever qualifies as the opposite gender in your case 

ROXY: jane i love u but that was the straightest thing ive ever heard anyone say 

JANE: What’s THAT supposed to mean?

ROXY: it means ur looking at this waaaaaaaaaaaaay too literally. lit ur al ly. That’s u. and how ur lookin  
ROXY: yeah as a teen i harassed dirk n thats smthing ill never be proud of, but its also something we worked thru and it had me thinking  
ROXY: i was obsessed w this idea of being the perfect daughter and the perfect mom. And obvi the perfect version of both of those has got to be a girl that gets hetero married and has a million billion hetero babies and everyones happy and cis and not gay  
ROXY: and on top of it i knew i was the last “woman” on earth  
ROXY: (BIG air quotes on woman obvi)  
ROXY: so i thought i HAD 2 meet good ol distri someday and wed HAVE to make some bbys 2gether  
ROXY: i was just being the person i thought i needed 2 b, it didnt matter how weird being that person actually made me feel

Your head feels light, something Roxy said has hit you. Knocked you to your core and rapped on the door of your heart. What was that about being the person you thought you needed to be? You can relate to that, can’t you? Everything you say, carefully crafted, the hobbies you have, the clothes you wear, the people you like-

You freeze and stop that train of thought right in its tracks. Internally you’re hitting the snooze button in frantic pounds jumping in time with your heart. Look at yourself! Roxy is bearing their soul to you and you’re just sitting here making everything all about you, what a bigot!

JANE: Jeepers, I’m really sorry. That was probably out of line for me to say, and assume about you huh?

ROXY:its ok and nbd, ur not gonna suddenly make me hate u just bc you said something kind of silly! 

JANE: Thank you for coming out to me, at least. That was brave  
JANE: Isn’t it strange how I’m nearly the token straight out of us now? 

ROXY: elmao i guess we just find each other 

You return to your bread, the button of slumber successfully pushed, a best friend affirmed. You ignore how your hands shake and the empty feeling in your chest. Must be hunger.

\---

You don’t look at yourself in the mirror.

\---

Kissing your best friend feels natural, the logical progression of all events in your life leading up to this moment. You’re not quite at the point of admitting to yourself that it feels good or right yet, but it feels natural. You’ll get there if it means you can keep seeing the ecstatically disoriented expression on his face, full as a tick on affection, every day for the rest of your life.  
Kissing your other best friend feels a little less natural, only due to the lack of lips, but it still makes your chest feel warm and your heart content, happy as a june bug, happy as a lark, happy as a clam, happy as any other antiquated phrase you can conjure up.

You look at the two of them, pink and green melding into your blue to make some new color entirely. You don’t know anything about colors so you’re not sure what it looks like, but you think it might be the glow in Roxy’s eyes and the blush on Calliope’s cheeks. You feel full.

\---

You’re twenty-three and sitting at a kitchen table with your sort-of-daughter-sort-of-parent-kinda-sister. Your sort-of-baby-daddy-definitely-botched-fiance is running late to the HARLEYBERT FAMILY REUNION which is really just a fancy term for having coffee with the quasi-family. Your other sort-of-daughter-sort-of-parent-kinda-sister is in the kitchen making said coffee, at least you hope. You hear her humming suspiciously and your PRANKSTER'S GAMBIT murmurs in the back of your head.

JADE: i just…  
  
JADE: it was like this with davesprite too, back when i was jadesprite  
  
JADE: when he asked me out i was so excited!!! it was like i had this goal, and dave was the finish line  
  
JADE: he was going to save me from my island and i wouldnt be lonely and id see my friends and everything would be great!!!!!!  
  
JADE: and in a way i think i wanted him to save me from myself? the part of myself that i still dont like to think about :(  
  
JADE: so now with him and karkat i keep inserting myself because theyre such a strong part of my life and if im with them itll make me happy! but all they keep doing is make me a soundboard for their emotional problems! and im not happy at all!!!!!!!!! >:(  
  
JADE: its not just them though… its like this with everybody i date!!! its so frustrating!!!!!!!!!

You look at her and see yourself but in doggy-girl form. You try to give her the advice you wish someone gave you, back when you were sixteen and stuck on an empty planet, listening to the woes of a boy on your phone.

JANE: Jade……  
  
JANE: You know you can just… not date men, right?

Jade furrows her eyebrows in that way she does when she thinks about something. She looks about halfway to a retort when she pauses, really takes in what you just said, and stares at the table as if you’ve somehow unlocked all the secrets to the universe she is in. Which is quite the compliment, given that she’s the space player here.

Her sister leans in through the doorway of the kitchen.

JUNE: haha what if the harleybert family is really just three lesbians and jake :B

You shout:

JANE: JUNE!

The same time Jade shouts:

JADE: i didnt say anything about being a… (lesbian!!!!)

June is unconvinced and shrugs, showing off how unconvinced she is.

JUNE: i dunno jade, do you remember that time when we were all messaging each other pictures of ourselves for the first time and after rose sent hers  
  
JUNE: you *immediately* sent me a private message saying “oooh noooo what do i do she’s soooooooo pretty and i cant handle it!!! aaahhh what am i going to do i’m not as beautiful as her!!!”  
  
JUNE: pretty gay, jade  


JADE: that is not what i said and you know it!!!!!!!!!! >:(  
JADE: besides… thats what every girl does when she sees a pretty girl her age for the first time!!!

JANE: I really don’t think so

JADE: uh

JANE: June might be jumping the gun here if you will- 

JUNE: yeah! you could be bi sexual, like dave! and karkat, and jake, and terezi I think? I don’t really know how it works with the trolls, them being aliens and all

You need to get the conversation back on track.

JANE: But think of it this way, when you have been with any fellas… did it make you happy? Did you feel... I don’t know, content?

Jade considers this and frowns some more. She takes a lock of her curly hair and twirls it around her finger, chewing on the end. There’s a comfortable, but slightly tense silence. June goes back into the kitchen and you hold your glass of water, tracing circles around the brim-- leaving Jade to her thoughts. After a moment she takes in a breath like she’s about to say something, and the Page of Hope barges in at the worst time; as he is want to do.

JAKE: By golly, I sure do send my apologies for being late! A lad gets caught up in some run of the mill gardening and suddenly the time just up and soars away! When I say I had to beat feet to get over here I MEAN it! It’s ju-”

He cuts himself off as he notices Jade’s somber expression and decides to actually read the room.

JAKE: I say! Who killed the mood here? You all look as if you just heard someone died

Jade stands up from her seat, wiping off her hands on her skirt.

JADE: its okay, jake i just have some thinking to do!:)

With that, she grabs her bag off the back of her chair and sends a goodbye to her sister before she leaves. Jake looks a mixture of confused and offended as he watches her go.

JAKE: What did I do this time?

\---

You’re thirteen and you’ve just met a boy.

Met might not be the best word to describe your situation, as he is a name on a screen you have been talking to for a few weeks now. Nevertheless, he just sent you a picture of himself for the first time and you are enthralled. This is the sign of official internet friendship, you’re pretty sure. He is the first real friend you’ve had in as long as you can remember. You bound down the stairs so fast you almost trip in your feet as you tell your dad about the strange boy who lives in a jungle and tells you about all kinds of movies. He smiles at you paternally and says that he’s happy you’re making friends. Since you’ve had to be homeschooled due to assassination threats you’ve become more and more isolated.

A few days later your dad is on the phone with a relative, an aunt you’ve never met, and he mentions how “Jane has found herself a new boyfriend!” and “I know, it’s cute. She’s growing into a young woman so fast and I am so proud of her”.  
The terminology makes your body feel cold as you sit at the piano, not even hiding the fact that you’re eavesdropping anymore. Jake is a boy and he is your friend but he’s not your… boyfriend is he? You message Roxy (your other good internet friend)to know for sure.

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering tipsyGnostalgic [TG]

GG: Hello Ro-Lal!  
GG: I was wondering if you’d be able to help me solve a bit of a conundrum I’ve come across.  
TG: o rly  
TG: miss AMAZIN detective puzzle genius needs my help?  
TG: *tents fingers* veeery interestin  
GG: Well, it’s not a puzzle, per se.  
GG: Except a puzzle of romance!  
TG: !!!  
TG: jane  
TG: u MOSY tell me who this eligible bachelor is!!!  
TG: *must  
GG: There is no bachelor!  
GG: I mean he is single, but that’s not what I’m confused about.  
TG: *listens intently*  
TG: i am vary good at listenin jane  
GG: Do you remember when Jake sent everyone?  
GG: The one where he was in front of some ruins on his island?  
TG: i remember this well he was cute af  
GG: I told my dad about it, because he wanted to know who I talk to on the computer all the time.  
GG: I heard him speaking on the phone today with one of my aunts, and he told her that Jake is my boyfriend!  
TG: ooommggggggggg  
TG: JANE!!!!!!  
TG: u r in love!  
GG: WHAT?!?  
TG: its tru!!  
TG: u love jake! i can feel it in my bonez  
GG: How do you know? I don’t even know if I like him!  
TG: trust me, i just do  
TG: ooomg omgomgomg omg this is the best  
TG: we MUST have awesome sleepovers together about this  
TG: except on the interwebs  
TG: janey we should wear pjs and talk abt our Feelins  
GG: Well that does sound fun, but I can’t right now. I still have piano practice!  
TG: ok  
TG: go practice ur piano  
TG: i will talk 2 my cats  
TG: tonight tho its ON  
TG: i want to hear all abt you and jake <3  
TG: ttyl!  
GG: Bye!

You close your laptop, worrying on your bottom lip. Roxy seems awful convinced that you do actually harbor some deep feelings for Jake, and you suppose maybe she has a point? He is handsome, you suppose. He looks like some of the boys in the teen movies you watch from time to time when nothing else is on TV. You get excited when he talks to you, that must mean you have a crush on him right? That’s how crushes work….right?  
You desperately need Roxy’s help tonight.

\---

You don’t look at yourself in the mirror.

\---

June and Jade decided to publicly come out together in the form of a party. Saying June decided to come out this way might be a bit misleading, talked into it by her sister (who you suspect just wanted an excuse to throw a party) might be a little more accurate.

Still, it’s a nice gathering. All of your friends come plus all of their complicated ectobiology sibling/parents. A carapacian Dave calls The Mayor (who you think might be an actual mayor) even shows up with a taller white carapacian, and Dave goes ballistic. Several trolls you recognize are there, along with a few more you don't. Jade must have sent out invitations because there's even a few salamanders, other carapacians, and other assorted species.

It ends up well, considering the company your friends and co keep. Dave puts his foot in his mouth, asking if he’s still allowed to find Jade hot and don’t worry June I still think you’re hot haha maybe even more so now wait was that a douchey thing to say damn I need to check my personal biases. He stops when he notices Rose smiling at him, flipping her off.

Karkat makes a long tirade about still not understanding “the human hangups about gender” and “coming out” and “throwing parties". Every single one of those phrases he says with accompanying air quotes. One of his troll friends, you can never remember her name, the one with the glasses, punches his arm while telling him to shut up and they get into a squabble.

While the rest of the party focuses on the troll v troll debate happening in June’s living room, Roxy nudges your arm.

ROXY: still feel like the token straight?  
  
JANE: Oh my God.  
  
You say. Calliope giggles and you roll your eyes, smiling fondly while watching as June tries to break up the fight which has now escalate physically with pirate troll added to the mix.  
JANE: We should probably leave soon.  
  
CALLIOPE: I do agree love! I would much rather be at home reading than watching this row get out of hand, certainly.

You kiss them on the cheek.

\---

You walk past the hallway mirror as you leave, stopping to ruffle some of your thick hair. You smile at the woman before you, who looks happier than she has been in years, and nod in contentment before walking out the door.

**Author's Note:**

> ooooh this was my first ever fic babes I put a lot of work into this. butch jane lives in my heart I do not know what an epilogue is and will not be taking questions at this time. several of the events that happen to jane also happened to me, and many feelings and opinions come from my own life. i'm writing the butch lesbians I want to see in the world!!!
> 
> thank you for reading !!!!


End file.
